Moats For Sale

Glumly turning the pages of my newspaper after the recent elections, I noted both the defeat of the handgun proposition and the record unemployment figures. To the average mind these disparate matters appear to have no discernible connection, but perhaps the solution of one has within it the seed of resolution of the other.

With the resounding defeat of the handgun proposition, it was pretty obvious that the millions poured into the fight by the National Rifle Association and the gun industry would not have been enough by itself.

Ordinary peace-loving, child-loving, home-loving citizens like you and me installing burglar alarms, special locks, electronic guard devices and large dogs reflect the fears of invasion of our homes — our castles. Unfortunately, the burglar alarms and electronic devices sometimes become terrible nuisances, easily short-circuited and often resulting in eerie and unearthly sounds when the cat involuntarily sets them off. Special locks are frequently, dexterously and skillfully sawed off. Even awesome dogs sometimes cheerfully welcome the uninvited intruder who comes bearing goodies.

So the fearful homeowner voted for the handgun to keep the invaders out and provide a final defense when all else fails.

But guns have their own drawbacks. They leave untidy bodies and trails of blood on the new carpet; they make loud noises and, they can cause unsightly holes in the freshly painted woodwork. Besides, a recent study shows that nearly two-thirds of those slain were friends, acquaintances or relatives of their killers.

So ... if not guns, what? Despair not! A solution lies ahead.

If our homes are our castles and we must protect them and ourselves against the fearsome criminal element without, why not take a leaf out of medieval days. Why not Moats. To surround and protect our homes — our castles?! It would be less messy and dangerous, and would offer more protection than the handgun.

Old security device would protect lives, boost employment, aid environment.

Not only could it give rise to a new moat industry and reduce unemployment (especially in the depressed construction industry), but it undoubtedly could also hatch peripheral commercial ventures. Why not utilize alligators to patrol the moats as an added protection? Uninvited intruders would supply sustenance for the alligators. Think of the employment that could be engendered in the manufacture of vari-colored, multi-shaped drawbridges. If we have designer jeans, why not designer bridges?

Since the bottle deposit initiative also failed to pass in the recent ballot, the homeowner could conveniently toss his used bottles and empty containers into the moat, without despoiling the landscape.

It could well spur the tax accountants and lawyers acting on behalf of the fledgling moat industry to lobby for investment tax credits and accelerated depreciation under our income tax laws.

So there you have it — a safe and sane scheme to protect the sanctity of our sanctuaries while alleviating unemployment by moat construction. Truly, a scheme to solve two pressing problems in one fell swoop. We understand and that the above sentiments have received the approval of both opponents and proponents of handgun registration which is no mean achievement in and of itself in these perilous times.