Computer vs. Random Choice Theory of Marriage Partners

I grew up in a household where Yiddish was the sole language of my immigrant parents. I was fascinated by many of the tales I heard of shtetl life. Among the most interesting were those of the early marriages arranged by parents for their children. Girls frequently were married at ages 14 and 15 — sometimes even earlier — and their husbands were pre-selected. There was no courtship and the consent of the participants was not solicited.

My maternal grandmother, as a child bride, betrothed at an early age to my grandfather whom she did not know until their marriage. They had eleven children and lived quite contentedly in more or less wedded bliss for well-nigh 60 years until death parted them. There are many such stories of successful arranged marriages which were the custom of the day.

Then we also had the Shadchun, who flourished in the early years of the 20th century among the Jewish immigrants who flocked to America from a shtetl in Poland and under the tutelage of his uncle, the village Rabbi, he grew up in the Hasidic sect founded by the great Rabbi Baal-Shem. Arriving in the United States in 1906, he lived and worked as a garment cutter on the Lower East Side of New York. Later, he and his wife started a confectionery business which was quite successful and from which he retired in 1950.

1890 to 1920. The Shadchun for a fee, arranged marriages between Jewish men and women. The Shadchun operated without computer printouts and from the seat of his or her pants (or dress) and with only common sense and a rudimentary knowledge of human nature.

I was reminded of those early type of arranged marriages and how durable they appeared to be when I read of the current divorce statistics. Almost one out of every two marriages now end either in divorce or separation.

This is an age in which we have scientific and expensive computer match-ups where every facet of the parties' personality, temperaments, likes, dislikes, physical characteristics, etcetera are fed into the computer to supply matching soul-mates.

This is also a time when couples frequently live together for lengthy periods "to get to know each other better" before marriage. All too often such relationships also break up soon after the marriage vows are recited.

With all these scientific aids and modern premarital tryouts, we are faced with the statistical anomaly that the random choice marriage, as well as seemingly haphazard matchmaking of the Shadchun, augured better for the success of such marriages.

If I had to explain this phenomenon in one word, it would be COMMITMENT. It's a concept that seems to have gone out of style along with a less structured family life and a freer but more self-indulgent society.

Today, people search for romance and love. But love is ephemeral, while commitment connotes a sense of steadfast loyalty, trust, involvement and investment that transcends petty and sometimes inconsequential differences that all too often result in marital breaches.

Those old marriages usually had partners who had that rare sense of commitment, and that's as good a reason as any why those marriages were lasting.

I am sure the sociologists and psychologists have plenty of other theories to explain this peculiarity, but it sure is something to think about.